Sunday, 22 February 2015
Where I've Been, What I've Been Doing and Why
One of the most wondrous things about being a helper and guide to others in this life is that I am always noting my lessons down internally so that I can offer them to others. I seem to learn twice - once in the guise of student and once in the guise of teacher. At first I ask, 'How do I learn this?' Then, when I have learned, the question becomes, 'How do I teach this?' In the most mechanical sense imaginable, this is what a 'calling' actually feels like. It feels like a process which is so organic and intuitive that it seems to be programmed into your skin, bones, teeth and hair. It just works. It just flows. It just is, even if its complexity sometimes astounds you.
So far this year I have been mostly: nursing and supporting my injured boyfriend, counselling my mother through a resurgence of difficult memories, helping my best friend cope with a painful break-up, moving unexpectedly out of my home and into a new place post haste, realising that my business is now bigger than I anticipated and creating change to facilitate everything it has become, dealing with RSI, witnessing the end of a five year friendship and instigating the healing process, doing an untold amount of official paperwork and spending more time on hold than I've spent doing just about anything else, cooking meals, doing laundry, sleeping, packing, unpacking, recycling, rehashing, rebooting, rearranging, recalibrating..
I remembered what it's like to pray whilst queuing with my shopping basket, knowing it would be the most peaceful and uninterrupted part of my day. I remembered the power of stoking the fire within me during a five minute meditation before the sun had come up. I remembered how to be grateful as I wondered what the hell to do. That can often be the toughest time to bring gratitude to the foreground - when you're just not sure what to do.
A very long time ago I learned that I would always come back brighter. So I admit that I always saw the light at the end of this frantic little rabbit warren, and sure enough the light emerged. I never doubted it because I know that I myself am responsible for the light. It is not something outside of me which I wait for in vain hope but something which I produce with my own thoughts and actions. Still, no matter how conscious one manages to become of this truth, the midst of the madness is still scary, uncomfortable, overwhelming, sad..
And that's ok.
That's more than ok.
I trust the process. I don't drop anchor at one emotion - the one I feel comfortable with, the one which feeds my ego.
I let myself sail across the wide expanse. I don't fear choppy waters.
I used to cut myself and it was a way to control and censor my emotions. I used to starve myself and it was a way to control and censor my emotions. I used to lose myself in cruel, cold relationships. I used to slave away for someone else's validation. I used to wish that someone would come along and scoop me up and take me far away and look after me forever. I used to think I didn't matter and that I couldn't cope.
Years ago, I learned that I don't get to decide which parts of me are acceptable and which aren't - not if I want to be healthy. I don't get to sanction some emotions and strangle others - not if I want to experience happiness. Censorship is as harmful within us as it is in the world around us. The truth will out: you can either turn to face it or it will mow you down in its wake - those are your only choices.
A big part of my creative act is the translation of my personal experiences into tangible, useful lessons. This is a part of the deal for anyone who is called to serve others, but it's also essential for the taming of the ego. When you choose to see your difficulties as shards of the much bigger crystal of the transpersonal, you lovingly kiss your ego on the forehead and say, 'You're not in charge, but that's nothing to be afraid of.' Your ego then learns to relax and enjoy the ride.
So as I strive to bring my experiences together and create something out of them, I give a gift to someone else -a viewer, a reader, a client, a friend- whilst also giving myself the gift of divine perspective.
I urge you to clasp your hands together and say a prayer of gratitude for the shitty times, not because you're wrong to feel beaten down by them but because they are a sign that the dawn is coming.